I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
