you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
