I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
