Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
