saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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