Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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