im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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