so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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