Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
