If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
