My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
