So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
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If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm really busy with my period
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