She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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