Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
