She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
