Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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