That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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