If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize