So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
