God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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