i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
