i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
