i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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