if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
