hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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