I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
