Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
