Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
