he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
