I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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