wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
