So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
