The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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