The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
