There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
