The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
