You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Houston, we have a squirter
As shirtless as possible
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
