ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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