She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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