Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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