I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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