I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have fence marks all over my body
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
