You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
