i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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