He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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