Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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