Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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