I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
