Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
