As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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