you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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