My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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