In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
