maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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