just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
