I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
