what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
