saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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