Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Randomize
